Previously, on
The Bachelor: Paris.
Thirty-three year old doctor (drink!) Travis Stork came to Paris looking for love! I forgot to mention last week how this VOs over a slow-motion shot of him with his stethoscope and little blue doctor cap. Girls arrive in Paris and squeal. Champagne. Champagne. Mooooooooooana "prevented" the other girls from getting to know Travis. Ugly Sarah pissed me off. Model Jen and Shiloh went home.
And on to the show! Here comes Chris. Chris is the alleged "host" of the show but is on camera for about three minutes per episode. I'd take that job. He tells the ladies that there will be two one-on-one dates (or, you know... dates) and one group date (otherwise known as "resembling Meghan's usual Saturday night"). Tara, for some reason, looks shocked by this. Deciding who will get each actual date are... the rejected bitches themselves, Jen and Shiloh! They enter holding hands and Shiloh, unsurprisingly, looks like shit. Moana refers to her as "Night of the Living Dead."
The bitches interview. Ugly Sarah can see herself marrying Travis. They are "the same person." Ew. Jehan points out that she is far too ancient and relic-y at 29 to have a crush on someone and must take things slow! (If she went too quickly she'd break a hip). Jen, who's 25, tells Stoner Sarah they think she's too young. She then points out to Tara that 3 of the 4 times she's been with Travis she's been drunk! Yesssss! So true. I start to like Jen a little more, but not too much because I know it won't last. Tara is like, um... whatever. Susan deflects criticism of her desire to live in LA pretty well. And then it's time for Moana.
Ahhhh! Everyone is really excited for Jen and Shiloh to smack my Moana around, forgetting that while Moana possesses both a brain and the ability to use it, Jen and Shiloh have neither.
Jiloh tell Moana she should be scared, while Moana looks back at them with an expression that could not be less terrified. They really, really don't like that Moana doesn't like to chase guys, but rather have them sensibly chase her, and that she doesn't cry all the time. They yell. Moana's like, "yeah, ok." Then Shiloh gets in her face and Moana gives her a pretty awesome smackdown. Then she loses a bunch of points by saying she didn't mean to step on anyone's toes on the yacht, that she's trying to sort out her feelings, and that she doesn't want to share them with the housebitches because they're hers. She talks reallyreally fast and cries. I don't fault anything she said, but I wish she'd said it in an interview with an evil smirk and just sat there all icy with Jiloh. I hate Jiloh. Jehan gets the date.
Later that day, Travis packs a picnic basket. He looks mighty fine packing that basket. He also looks pretty dorky carrying it around. Jehan gets a note saying "Let's experience Paris from the bottom to the top." Hm. Okay, that isn't only dirty to me, is it? Is it?
Jehan and Travis arrive in Paris. I'd been hoping for a rehash of the getting-lost-in-a-SmartCar debacle from last week, but no such luck; they climb out of a Honda Element. Which might be just as bad, come to think of it. They stroll through the markets and pick out food for dinner, while Travis VOs how totally awesome and fun it was. It's very
Barefoot Contessa: Barefoot in Paris Special, in which Ina and Jeffrey have a totally staged but still very sweet picnic by the Seine. He leaves Jehan in the boulangerie to go to a jewelry shop and attack the proprietress's ears with some truly awful French, purchasing her a necklace with an Eiffel Tower pendant. I'm starting to love Travis less and less.
Travis and Jehan enjoy their "picnic" at the base of the tower. I'm sure it's cool and all, but how is this a picnic? There is no grass, no basket, and they're sitting at a table. Whatever. Jehan interviews that she's starting to "fall for this guy" but is now really anxious, because of her deep, dark secret.
Deep dark secret? Awesome! Commercials. The evil new Citibank ad that displaced mine is on. Boo.
Back at the tower, Jehan admits her deep, dark secret: she's divorced. OH MY GOD, NO! JEHAN! She explains in a very jumbled, wishy-washy way that she was duped by a green card seeker. That's probably worse than the divorce part. "Not only am I damaged goods; I'm an idiot." Travis doesn't take the news well and says something about his "fantasy" that his wife will have never been married. Dude, you're 33. On soap operas you'd be on marriage #8 by now, and it would have been #9 if you hadn't found out that Cassie is actually your half-sister at the last minute. I start to hate Travis a little, because he's really kind of a passive-aggressive dick about it and this is an issue dear to my heart. Dumb Jehan. Keep that shit to yourself. Stupid Travis. Get out of Nashville.
Jehan does not get a rose but is not sent packing; Travis asks her to wait until the rose ceremony to get cut. She returns to screaming girls at the chateau. When they discover her roselessness they all respond with "What! What! Where is it!" in succession. They all act like her previous marriage is akin to leprosy.
More commercials. Ladies, RUN, don't walk, to your nearest Sav-on and get yourself this L'Oreal Volume Shocking mascara. My roommate got some at Sundance and it is freaking amazing. The ad says 12x the volume and they are not fucking around.
Back at the chateau... the girls are going on a bike ride. Travis tells us they will be doing a "Toor Day Fraaaance" thing. My ears. Also, he will base the next rose ceremony on feelings. As opposed to... foot size? Okay. Oh, and the ladies are all in clingy athletic outifts, which T-Money appreciates. They bike along until Travis announces a race for a special surprise!
From the look of the race, Moana's the only one who understands gear shifts, and therefore wins. She interviews that she wanted it, and she got it. The others are displeased.
Back at the chateau, Ugly Sarah gets her date package. Her hair, by the way, is in rollers that triple the size of her head. She attempts to pronounce "Montmarte." She fails.
Back on the date, the group goes to a spa and frolics around the pool, giving us lots of shots of Travis with water dripping off his torso. Sweeeeeeet! Once they've dried off, Travis brings Moana downstairs for her surprise. Oh how I would have given to see an S&M chamber, but they're just getting massages. They talk to each other about their families and then camera-talk to us about their "connection" (since this episode is light on doctor references, I'm just going to say drink for the C-word). The best part is that the massage room is backed by a glass wall that looks into the pool, so producers give the other girls goggles and they keep diving down and watching. It's so pathetic and hilarious, and they keep doing it, over and over. Moana and Travis getting oiled up, holding hands, with three bug-eyed beetches floating in the backgroud.
The girls keep bitching about how Moana gets all this time with Travis, as if they would say "no, let everyone come get rubbed down!" if they'd won the race. Stoner Sarah joins in the
Mean Girls shit, hopefully just because she's been separated from her bud. And the date is over.
Next date. Travis is looking for a romantic connection (drink) in "Moon-Mart" with Ugly Sarah and her gigantic Nashville poof-hair. They drive to Paris and hang out in Montmartre and I believe one guy calls Travis a piece of
merde but they speak no French so of course they laugh. A street artist draws a picture of them. It looks like Ken and Barbie's Brown-Haired Friend Midge.
Back at the chateau, the girls bitch about Moana. OH MY GOD DO THEY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO. Actually, they don't have TV, so probably not. Moana hears all of it and confronts them. Before I was thinking that maybe Moana was indeed a vicious harpy and the producers weren't showing it to make the other girls look crazy, but when she asks them for specific examples of her crazy witchiness, they can only come up with "You hogged all that time with Travis!" Dear God this is terrible.
On the date, Travis and Ugly Sarah eat. Travis admits that before, he found UgSar a fake-o bag of plastic, but now she seems to be pure and true. Likely because she's never been divorced. Oh, and because she's a kindergarten teacher. He really likes that about her. BLECH. I think they're drinking beer. I bet he ordered it and she got it too to seem like they have more in common.
Anyway he gives her a rose by saying "I think you have to go home... .... .... will you take me with you?" Vomit. So next week we get to meet her vile family. They thank each other for existing. Oh my God this is boring. Does make me want to go to Paris though. Commercials.
The next day back in the country, "Travis" and certainly not a producer decides he should bike over to the chateau to hang out. The girls are all in full makeup ready to greet him, while Travis is wearing a goddamn beige bandanna over his head.
Okay I'm going to skip most of this and go straight to Moana. She's hiding out in the study writing in her journal, drinking tea. Yes, totally unstaged. Travis asks why all the girls hate her and she starts crying about how mean they are, and how she just feels so safe with Travis and it is so scary and intense! Travis has changed her life! Ahhhh! Travis looks seriously freaked the fuck out. He finishes his camera interview with "I worry about Moana." Bad sign. Commercials.
The rose ceremony! Chris tells them that Travis has MADE HIS DECISION, and therefore no cocktail party. Tara looks particularly crushed by this development. Stoner Sarah is wearing gaucho pants. Stoner Sarah gets a rose. Coincidence? Perhaps. Susan gets a rose. And finally... Moana gets a rose. Take that, bitches! Jehan looks kind of smug (I think she knew her deferement was only a polite defer), and Tara's mouth drops open in dismay. She hugs Travis goodbye and whispers to him, "Just watch out for someone that's fooling you." He can't hear her, though, so she has to repeat it. "Someone is trying to fool with your head." Honestly, I don't think he heard her that time either, and he just kind of smiles and nods.
And the end! I now no longer really like Travis! And Moana does actually seem kind of crazy but she's surrounded by batshit crazies so it makes total sense! And next week, it's back to North America for a round of hometown dates, because I always take a guy to meet my parents when we haven't even kissed.
Oh, and the clip over the credits is Travis talking at the spa about how he hates French food. He then unveils their lunch: burgers and fries. The girls actually squeal in pretend delight.
