Us Weekly: Breaking National News Since 2008

Hold on to your ****ing hats, people. Barack Obama has given an interview to Us Weekly.

Although the reporter was too timid to press the real questions, ex. boxers vs. briefs, dogs vs. cats, mandatory vs. voluntary health coverage, they did uncover that Malia Obama, 9, and Sasha Obama, 6, are "pretty down on Britney and Paris and all of that. They think that's very 'yuck.'''

Next week: John McCain sits down with Janice Min to discuss the Independent Spirit Awards red carpet, Cindy McCain begins stint as guest-commentater on "What Were They Thinking?" and Hillary Clinton blasts Obama girls for plagiarizing positions on Britney's yuckiness.

Silly Ruskies

Dan likes to cut out silly things from the paper and put them on the fridge (Japanese people with clothing that can unfold to look like a vending machine with feet; giant mutant whippets). After reading this article about Putin he pointed it out to me, because it had a very silly line:

One young woman noted that the conference was held on Valentine’s Day, and asked whether Mr. Putin had received a gift.

He said he had been busy doing his morning exercises and preparing for the conference, and had not yet received any presents. The reporter then grinned and said she would like to give him a Valentine, and he invited her to pass it down to him through the crowd.

Pretty silly stuff, but the kind of "colorful" touch that convies the zeitgist, you know?

Then I noticed the picture. Check it out above--you can see him with the card! So silly.

Hold On To Your ****ing Hat

So I went up to the office during the second half of SNL dress to eat (big issue with SNL-- you're there all day but tend to think of it as a nighttime thing, and then about twenty minutes into dress rehearsal starvation hits and your sandwich is 10 floors away) and we were all talking about how we love Tina but the show wasn't looking too hot, and then this came on and we fell out of our chairs. This was my last SNL, so it was a nice hurrah. Per usual, I stayed out way too late and ran into Smash's BFF. Also, I met* Mike Huckabee.

Also, who knew that Javier Bardem is such a fox? Millions, apparently, as I am now learning that he is a major international movie star, but unexpected foxiness from a man who rocked a ladies' haircut is always a nice surprise.

ALSO, Katie, despite having converted to Brazilianism, is moving on to Land #2 Of Tiny Bikini Bottoms on her Tiny-Bikini-Bottomed-Lands Tour '08, Argentina. Read about it! I miss you, K!



*stood near

It's Here! It's Here!

The vastly more informative trailer is here! I don't care how many giant bowtruckles Carrie puts on her head, or how sick I got of the show's shoddy DVD packaging. I will be there opening night. You will, too, female readers. Just go with it.

I Have Never In My Life Yelled At A Girl Like This.

One of my coworker's former neighbors is apparently on the new season of Top Model. If you're watching, she's the one who just had a baby and is drinking her breastmilk to keep the lactation going while she's away from the kid. Apparently, it tastes like Original Flavor Silk Soymilk (cue "crickets" soundcue and blank, mildly shocked looks from Tyra and Miss Jay). I don't watch anymore, but she told us all about it in the lounge.

I would watch if The CW took the brilliant suggestion from the Fug Girls to do an all-star season. Something tells me Lisa "Peed in a Diaper" From Cycle 5 and Elyse "Atheist" From Cycle 1 would get along famously, while Jade "Twenty-Nine-Year-Old Slam Poet" From Cycle 6 would attempt to heal Amanda "Legally Blind" From Cycle 3's sight with her bare hands. Hilarious.

Other Highbrow Recommendations

August: Osage County.

Go. Go tomorrow. It's fantastic.

Naive Bleeding Heart Liberal Time

So it's a bit of a coincidence that I started reading The Omnivore's Dilemma right as the beef recall came into the news. In case you missed it, 143 million pounds of beef are being recalled largely because of slaughterhouses pushing sick cows through to slaughter by dragging them or jabbing them with forklifts (check out the video, which is totally depressing but unfortunately not that shocking). Diseased cows = diseased beef; they contaminate the meat supply.

TOD, which had been on my list for a while, is pretty mind-blowing. The author, Michael Pollan, takes the components of a few types of meals (fast food, Whole-Foods-purchased organic, family-farm-purchased organic, and foraged) and traces the ingredients back to their sources. Were you aware that a Mickey D's cheeseburger is 52% processed corn? What? He also details industrial meat production. The amount of energy and waste that goes into producing a pound of mediocre beef is really astounding. Then he visits a sustainable farm that raises its cows in pastures without using pesticides, antibiotics, or feedlots, and discovers that it's actually more productive--but it can't exist on a giant scale. Since supermarkets only want to purchase in mass bulk, the sustainable farm can only exist locally.

Anyway, Pollan is an engaging, nonpreachy writer and you should read his book. Buy it! Buy it now, from this giant conglomerated bookseller! Then buy me his second book as a thank you. And while you're waiting for delivery, read his op-ed about the farm bill. And THEN use the money you saved from your Amazon discount and free NY Times online to buy pricier but tortureless, feces-free beef from a farmer's market (this is my new plan, to vote with my wallet). See, I'm not trying to make you a vegetarian. Just trying to get out of the manure ponds.

Good Uses Of Our Time

My friend JST Bree sometimes gets very righteous and principled, cladding her ethics in steel and titanium. This occasionally happens late at night after an excess of wine.

Sometimes this results in her appearing at a hearing for the Taxi and Limousine Commission to contest a $4 overcharge, because she filled out the complaint at 1:30 in the morning after an intoxicated screaming match with the driver.

I love my friends.

I Have Brought Down An Empire

Last year, I revealed something.

"Dan..." I said. He braced himself for news of my secret family in Canada and/or shenis, but it was actually much worse.

"I've never seen The Godfather...

...or The Godfather: Part II."

That's bad, right? To have never seen Francis Ford Coppola's epic meditation on family, violence, citrus fruit, and the Immigrant Experience? So we watched it. I endured endless mockery for not realizing that Sonny:

is played by James Caan, which blows my brain. Santino Corleone, now head of the Montecito? Also, he now looks completely different.


Ameet made a similar gaffe with Diane Keaton, but everyone seemed to think that one immediately forgivable, which is totally unfair.

While watching Part II, I was like, "Damn, those scenes in Cuba look sweet. Maybe someday Americans can visit that allegedly lovely island, if Castro ever dies."

I thought "die" because even in my upper subconscious I would never have dreamed that he'd resign.

But then he/the puppetmasters of his Photoshopped visage did!

Today!

I AM ALL-POWERFUL.

Occasionally, I Wish I Were A Christopher Guest Character, But These Guys Take That Next Step

Why won't anyone wrap my ears up like little buffalo-flavored sausages?

She's Going Back To Work Indeed

Tina Fey's hosting SNL when it returns on February 23rd. Yessssssss.

And I will be there. Double YESSSSSSSSSSSSS.

It's Over!

Barring absolute craziness, WGA writers can go back to work on Wednesday. New half-hour shows can come back in six weeks; hour dramas are looking like two months.

So all I really have to say is...


BACK TO WORK, TINA!!!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh My

Imminent Hotness

Yeah yeah Super Tuesday blah blah blah. Much bigger news: I joined Equinox. Yes. For the low low price of... I don't want to think about it... a month, I will be working out with bankers and the women who love them at New York's third-fanciest gym. Who cares that it costs more than my subway pass? I want a staff that sucks up to me. I want clean equipment and complimentary (although not always clean, according to Dan) towels. I want a steam room and a smoothie bar! I'm worth it!

(Apparently I am not immune to all Kool-Aid).

I am going to go allll the time. I am going to get SO HOT. Britney in 1999 hot.

Best of all, Dan goes to the same location, so we can take Tread and Sculpt classes together. We're going to be like Todd and Margo from Christmas Vacation. Maybe we'll even get the matching spacesuits.

This is awesome.

Super Tuesday. It's Here

So, I decided that if I were voting today, I'd be voting for Hillary.

I'm immune to the Kool-Aid.

Superduper Tuesdaylicious

There were these bright-eyed young things wearing Obama buttons yesterday, passing out pamphlets, chirping "Tuesday! Don't forget to vote!" (Brooklyn is Obama country).

I can't vote. I forgot to register until like 2 weeks ago, which is too late.

Which is mostly okay; I'm fine with either candidate and don't know who I'd vote for anyway, so now I don't have to choose. Which I think is the part that bugs me, because I want to choose. Choice is the bedrock of America, no? We choose our lives in almost every detail and freak out (rightfully) when even a modicum of that is challenged. This particular choice is among the more symbolic and vital choices an American can make. So why can't I make it without a voting booth to force me? And why on earth do you have to register 25 days ahead of time? Could we please publicize this a little better???

War

Last month Lindsey and I were talking, and she suggested a book.

"You'd love it," she said. "Julie and Julia."

"Uuugggghghhhh," I said. "I read some of it a few years ago. I kind of hated it."

But I gave it another go (Lindsey has good taste), and it was all right. The author, feeling she was in a rut, decided to cook through Mastering the Art of French Cooking, in its entirety, in one year. MtAoFC is a behemoth with recipes for aspic and brains, so such commitment is both admirable and crazy (although the writer spends a third of the book whining about her filthy apartment and mountains of unwashed dishes, for which I have zero patience. Sponge. Sink. Go).

Anyway I was in the bookstore yesterday and Julie and Julia came to mind.

I decided I needed a project.

So.

I found one.

It's only 1215 pages!