PSA

I made dandan mein last night following this recipe fairly exactly, and it was so good that I just ordered a pound of Sichuan peppercorns so I can make it a thousand more times.

I didn't take a picture but here's one from the Internet:

via The Noodle Guy

Veggie folks could definitely make it with tofu. Dandan mein, guys. Who knew?

You Never Have Time For My Illusions

In honor of Arrested Development's resurrection this weekend, I thought I'd share the story of my most surreal night in LA, back in 2005, when I attended the Arrested Development series wrap party.

A week prior, Smash had been in town and I met her out at a bar. Her friends from Georgetown were there, including some CAA assistants, who, by the grace of being CAA assistants*, knew every other peon in Hollywood. Some of those peons were there, too.

*CAA is the biggest talent agency in Hollywood, known affectionately as the Death Star. Unless your uncle owns a studio, answering an agent's phone at CAA is the best way to get started in the entertainment industry. The assistants are treated horribly and are so dehumanized that they don't even have their own email addresses (instead they're FLevinAsst2 or somesuch), but listen in on every call their boss makes and meet every industry player who comes in. Because CAA is such a hub, after a year or two the assistant knows everything and everyone in the industry and works those connections to get a better job. They also bond tightly with their fellow assistants as they all dodge staplers together; as everyone rises through the Hollywood ranks, such friendships come in handy. Those who wish to stay at CAA and become agents get "promoted" to the mailroom and undergo a procedure that removes seven-eighths of their soul.

One such underling was a writer's assistant at Arrested Development. "Do you know it?" he asked me. "It's really funny, but the ratings are terrible." I almost started screaming.

"I am OBSESSED with that show!" I cried, and then tried to smile very attractively. "Can you get me a job there? I'll wash the coffee pots, I don't care."

"I wash the coffeepots," he said.

"Whatever!" I replied. "Do you know Jason Bateman?!"

(I made up this dialogue).

A few days later, Smash called me with a heads up: Arrested Assistant liked me. He wanted to ask me out.

"He asked me if you might want to go to their wrap party with him," she said.

(This part I remember).

"He was all like, do you think she'd come? Do you think she'd want to? I told him to just call you."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I replied. The nice assistant did call me. He was nervous and all "if you would maybe want to come," as if there were any way on earth I would not attend a party with the entire cast and crew of my favorite show. He could have had a lazy eye - no, he could have had only one eye, or no eyes, or no face, and I would have said yes. So the weekend came and he drove over to my house from the Valley (he was a nice guy, but minus one thousand points for living in the Valley), picked me up, and hopped on over to the party, which was near my house in Santa Monica. He told me about all the jobs he'd had on shows that kept getting cancelled, and how he was trying to figure out which Arrested writers might help him get a job if they got staffed on another show after this one's inevitable cancellation became final. He told me that frequent guest star Henry Winkler was the nicest man in the world, but that the rest of them were jerks. He told me about how Ellen DeGeneres and Mitch Hurwitz (Arrested's creator) hate each other, so Portia DeRossi declines to socialize with the cast and crew out of solidarity. I think he said Will Arnett was kind of a dick? I don't totally remember, I was too busy trying not to pee my pants.

The party was great. They'd taken over an outdoor bar, and I wandered amongst Tobias chatting with Buster, who was wearing a loud madras-check jacket but seemed otherwise quite normal, and George Michael and Maeby, looking obscenely young and sitting with their parents. We had a couple of drinks and talked to the other assistants. We were all just happy to be there, watching George Sr. and Lucille laugh about things. My date asked me to stick to his right side, because he was deaf in his left ear, and I thought he was joking, which made me feel like an asshole when it turned out he wasn't. Jason Bateman walked by, holding his coat, ready to leave.

"Jason!" my date cried. "I want you to meet Meghan!"

Jason Bateman looked at me with a flash of confusion, and then at the assistant, putting it together. He smiled.

"Meghan!" he said. "Amazing to meet you. I've heard all about you. Isn't so-and-so the best? So glad to have you here! Have a great night."

That Jason Bateman served, however briefly, as the writer's assistant's wingman is basically the cutest thing ever. I love it.

The night wound down and the assistant drove me home. I went home for the holidays and things fizzled; I never saw him again (his case wasn't helped by the fact that I met someone else over New Year's - no cult comedy connections, but he was just so nice). I hope you're doing well, former Arrested assistant! Thank you for giving me this ridiculous story!

Nice Little Saturday

A few weeks ago Mom came over for the day, while Dan was out of town. We hit Smorgasburg on the first day of New York's perfect weather and sat on the grass eating lobster rolls. "I feel like I'm on vacation," Mom said. She was right. Then we retired to my apartment for a Million Dollar Listing New York marathon, where the most momentous thing ever happened.

Behold:

To me and Dan, our cats are complete snuggleballs. To everyone else, they are but ghosts, disappearing under the bed the instant a strange footstep comes up the stairs. We don't know why; we know they've been pampered since they were handfuls of fluff. So Bianca not only emerging, but coming up to cuddle was a pretty exciting occasion.

We rewarded her with a glass of chardonnay.

Then I lured Mom out to a local restaurant, where Scott, my aunt, and her husband were waiting as a surprise. Hoopla! Aunt Mary was in town for a conference on short notice and somehow we pulled off a surprise.

Cat surprises, family surprises; all in all a good day.

We Need More Omelets

I made an omelet for dinner. There's some spinach and a little cheese in it, and it's totally tasty and satisfying. Why don't I do this more? We all need more omelets in our life.

I use a technique from the second video in this post on Amateur Gourmet. When I make it on the weekends for me and Dan I flip it onto a plate and then slide it back in so it stays pancake-like.

The second part of this blog post is a picture of Bianca staring at some tulips. 

Make a Better Kale Chip

Have you ever bought kale chips at the store? Me neither; a tiny package is like eight bucks! I waste money on lots of stupid shit, but if I went throwing around wads of fives and singles at dehydrated leafy greens every day I wouldn't have anything left over for artisanal cheese and trendy barre-based workout classes.

But it turns out that cutting the stalks out of a big curly bunch of kale takes forever, and then you have wash it thoroughly and spin everything dry. Then you follow one of the eighty thousand kale recipes out there on the internet and open your oven door to discover a baking sheet, dotted with tiny piles of ash. In my last attempt the kale didn't literally puff into cinders but may as well have, judging by the taste.

Gross.

But many attempts later, I think I've found The Kale Chip Way. You hear that, internet? STOP BAKING KALE AT HIGH HEAT FOR TEN MINUTES. THE RESULT IS BARELY EDIBLE. STOP PUBLISHING THESE TERRIBLE RECIPES!!!

How to Make Kale Chips

1. Preheat the oven to 150 degrees. One fifty. That is not a typo. If you have a fancy oven, use the "warm" setting, you lucky king.

2. Wash and (thoroughly) dry a bunch of lacinato kale (any kind will work but lacinato is the most user-friendly), remove the center stalks, and cut into pieces that are somewhat larger than bite size.

3. How many baking trays do you need? Be honest. This isn't the time to cut corners. Use two. Line your two baking sheets with parchment or a silpat and dump a tablespoon or two of oil onto each. Spread half the kale onto each tray and toss them around the oil. Rub the oil into each leaf. Coat thoroughly.

4. Sprinkle with a little salt. If you have parmigiano cheese, use a microplane to grate cheese all over the chips as well. Remember that parmigiano is crazy salty, so don't go nuts with the salt if you do this, or alternatively season them with curry, cumin, paprika, or whatever tickles your fancy. Then pop the trays in the oven and go do something else for an hour. Check them. Have the kale pieces turned into chips? If not, leave them there for another fifteen minutes and keep checking until they're done.

Enjoy with a glass of seltzer and ginger syrup as you work on a Powerpoint presentation on this beautiful spring Sunday.

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