Crazy Diet!

With winter maybe, possibly ending, it seems like a good time to stop eating loaded baked potato soup. So when Mom told me that she and a friend were doing "Dr. Oz's Rapid Weight-Loss Plan," I figured I'd hop in. If you're going to diet, you might as well have someone to whom you can whine about wanting a pita chip.

SO DELICIOUS.

The diet is pretty easy - I'd hesitate to even call it a diet. It's more of a "stop eating all that shit and you'll lose weight, you dummy" type of plan. Protein shake in the morning, lots of vegetables, some lean protein, no wheat, no white sugar, no alcohol, no cheese. Honestly, the "no alcohol, no cheese" would probably be enough to take a few pounds off me, so I'm expecting that by the 17th, I will be a mere twiglet of my former self. HOOPLA!

When Dan's Away...

I mentioned this earlier, but Dan's in Israel for nine days.  And when Dan's away, Meghan will play... at crazy diets!!!!

 

Usually I do a hodgepodge Crazy Diet, where I eat kale salads with avocado chunks and carrot-ginger dressing for two days straight, and then go home and drink a martini with twelve olives.  This time, though, I wanted to get serious and actually lose some weight/break bad habits.  So I'm doing the BluePrint Cleanse.

If you've been on the Internet between 2007 and the present, you know that the BPC is a juice-based "nutritional cleanse" involving six "fresh-pressed" juices a day.  Allegedly, three days of BPC-ing will "gently rid your body of impurities, regain an alkaline balance and normalize digestion and metabolism."  This mantra allows people to believe they aren't on a liquid diet to lose weight.  It's for health reasons!  I'm totally Zenning!

Anyway, I'm on day two of juice and feel pretty good.  I was a bit tempted to eat something yesterday, but upon remembering how much cash I forked over for these g-d juices, I decided the salad wasn't worth it.

I'm pretty sure that thought process is the main reason this works.

Jillian, My Master

I have recently (like over the past 2-3 months) toned up and lost some weight.  It seems like body change happens gradually and then suddenly, you know?  Like, one week I'm standing in J. Crew trying not to cry about looking like a house and the next I'm zipping up my stomach-flu jeans.  I haven't worn these jeans since I got a hideous puking disease in Costa Rica last year.  It's very exciting.

I switched from my usual weight loss plan of subsisting on lemon water and carrots for 4-6 days to a very new and controversial diet system known as "exercising" coupled with "not drinking wine everyday."  It doesn't work as quickly as a Crazy Diet, but the effects last much longer.  My key?  TV's toughest trainer, Jillian Michaels.

See those arms?  Those can be your arms.  Okay, I have no idea how to get those arms, but a slightly less muscley version can be your arms, by purchasing and using her ridiculous 30-Day Shred DVD (and that I am publicly admitting to loving a workout DVD should tell you how great it is).  The 30-Day Shred requires that you make time to exercise for twenty minutes a day, and to give your all for those twenty sweaty, heart-pumping, hard-core minutes.  Even I, a champion gym and exercise-avoider, can deal with a mere 1200 seconds of pain, particularly when it's more effective than an hour on the treadmill (hahahahaha as if I've ever actually run for a full hour).  Even my in-shape friends have admitted that all of the multi-muscle group exercises are no joke.  I don't even do it every day and suddenly I am all kind of toned and shit.

So get thee to Amazon, my flabby friends!  For nine dollars plus shipping and twenty minutes a day, you too can wear clothing normally reserved for those three amazing days after you've gotten over a GI bug.  Only without the residual nausea.  It's a good thing.

Macrobiotics, Bitches!

Yaaaaay.  I'm still on my Crazy Diet, if by "still on" you mean "on when I happen to be eating a healthy meal right at that exact moment."  But actually it's ok.  Last week I had several light-headed moments but I didn't cave!  Yes!  Starvation!  As I told Blondie, I became insanely sensitive to salt, felt uncomfortably close to British Emily from The Devil Wears Prada when she doesn't eat anything but the occasional cube of cheese, and would take a shot of maple syrup when I was feeling um, dizzy.  Surprisingly effective!

I had some detours.  Yaf was in town and we went to Dirt Candy, which was fantastic, and last night Dan got back and we went to dell'anima for his birthday.  It was um, not light.  Worth it though.

And now I'm eating last week's macrobiotic leftovers for lunch!

Crazy Girl Week!

We had a great Thanksgiving (Mom had the brilliant idea to go to the Short Hills Hilton for Thanksgiving brunch, thereby eliminating all cleanup after gorging ourselves on mashed taters and the crab claw table).  Dan's mom came for the In-Law Meeting, which went well, and we all spent most of the holiday cooing over the three Foster Kittens of Cuteness.

Then Dan left for Mexico.  Family vacation at an all-inclusive resort.  So, naturally, while he spends the week feasting on chips and guac, make-your-own-omelet-bar omelets, and pina coladas, I am going to do what any sensible girl does in my position: go on a Crazy Diet!  Yaaaaaaay!

Crazy Diets are not like Healthy Eating Plans, which are, as Emily Gould is correct in saying, boring.  Crazy Diets, on the other hand, are sooooo fun to obsess over and overshare about with everyone you know.   Then said everyone you know tells you how you shouldn't try to subsist on almond milk smoothies because you're perfect just the way you are!  Upon hearing this encouragement, I like to smile serenely, shrug, and take a spoonful of cold raw-vegetable soup.  Hey, we all have to get our kicks somehow.

I've tried many a Crazy Diet - almost all? - and so: this week's Crazy Diet will be a combination Master Cleanse, GOOP Detox, and Blueprint's newest diet-disguised-as-"Oh I'm just being healthy"-diet, "Juice 'Til Dinner."  Oh, plus coffee.  Crazy Diets take misery to the next level by eliminating caffeine.  Maybe that's what makes them Crazy?

Anyway, I have to do it this week because Dan said that if I do a Crazy Diet while he's around, he'll break up with me.  Have fun in Mexico, my love!

Lose It!

So, after the whole Goop detox thing, after which I lost like a pound, I've been going to the gym and trying to eat sensibly, lose weight the old fashioned way, blah blah blah.  Disclaimer here: I am aware that I am not a Shamu-like fattie.  I just want my pants to fit right.

First, I had to do something about my Chipotle habit.  Oh God, I love Chiptole.  Last weekend we had a discussion about which restaurant you would choose if you had to eat from one place for all eternity, and after a general agreement that every place would get old, we kind of agreed on Chipotle.  Anyway, I eat at Chipotle once or twice a week, on the days I don't bring lunch, and Chiptole is just not good for your ass.  The day they had to post their calorie counts was a terrible blow to my delusions of healthiness, but even then you could still mislead yourself, as they only post a "range."  

"If I don't get barbacoa plus extra cheese/guac/sour cream/salad dressing, it's like eating air!" I thought.

So today I found a website that calculates calories for all the different options.  Yeah.  No more cheese for Meghan, no matter how wee the handfuls are.

I also put the Lose It! application on my Touch, which is kind of like a Weight Watchers points calculator.  Sincerely, it's very helpful.  I also had no idea where the calories are coming from.  Yesterday I was all proud because I was under my calorie count until I factored in a glass of wine.  Oops.

Then I saw the 398 calories from my breakfast granola.

Don't worry.  This isn't going to become a diet blog.

But I am going to change my breakfast food.

Oh, and in case you were planning on a Chipotle burrito with the works:

Nutrition Facts
Amount Per Serving
Calories 1240	Cal from Fat 495
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 53g	82%
Saturated Fat 20g 98% Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 135mg	45%
Sodium 3070mg	128%
Total Carbs 128g	43%
Dietary Fiber 24g 96% Sugars 17g
Protein 64g
Vitamin A 0% • Vitamin C 0% Calcium 0% • Iron 0%
* Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.
INGREDIENTS: Fajita Veggies,Lettuce,Tomato Salsa,13" Tortilla,Black Beans,Corn Salsa,Cheese,Sour Cream,Guacamole (4oz),Steak (4oz),Rice,Green Tomatillo Salsa

Day Six: Kind of

Yeah, not really, because Dan and I went to Miranda last night and although I abstained from ordering their delicious, delicious arancini, I still dug into a chocolate semifreddo. Worth it. The restaurant was depressingly empty for such a good place. If you're looking for excellent Latin-Italian food with a steal of a prix-fixe menu in trendy Williamsburg (3 courses for $25; menu also available a la carte), it's the place go. We also recently (well, before Christmas) went to El Almacen, a new Argentinean place right by the Beford L, which had great food as well.

I had borscht for breakfast. Maybe I'll do a smoothie for lunch.

So, the move. I alluded to it earlier, but my lease is up at the end of this month, and as much as I like my cozy apartment located conveniently near the sites of several stabbings and murder-by-machete over the summer, I decided not to renew. The original plan was for Dan and I to get our own place, but for a couple of reasons we decided to hold off on that, and instead I'm moving into his place. Since he already has two roommates (who are both being awesome about the whole situation), it'll be like Four's Company, updated for the aughts. Basically:


I'm pretty excited. I am going to have to get rid of A LOT of stuff. All the random doo-dads, bits of paper with illegible phone numbers, half-used pens, my cupboards... I don't even want to think about the cupboards, all stuffed to the gills with tapioca pearls and cornstarch and six kinds of vinegar. Being in the austere mindset of detoxification should make purging easy, right? Because this afternoon, I'm going to be junking. A lot. Of stuff.

This is going to suck.

Day Four: Whatevs

I included four tortellini in my lunch today.  I think if I have just a nibble of carb it helps with the "feeling normal."  I also had a few chips last night.  Oops.  BUT in my defense, it was far, far fewer chips than I would usually consume.

Anyway.

Today.

I had my smoothie.

I had my tea.

I had my lemon water.

I'm out of coconut water.  Will buy more; the taste is growing on me.

I'm not exactly following the detox menus anymore, partially out of organization and partially because even without following them to a T, I've been eating far more healthfully than usual, and just eating healthfully has been pretty easy.  Hopefully that'll be the lesson for the week that will stick for a while.  With that plus exercise, I should still be able to shed some pounds, right?

Tomorrow:

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Peach and Almond Smoothie (follow method for Blueberry and Almond Smoothie)
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Raw crudite (carrots, green beans, radishes, cucumbers, zucchini) with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): Beet, Carrot, Apple and Ginger Juice
6pm (dinner): Cucumber and Avocado Soup

I'll have some extra veggies instead of the juice.  I think I can say, at this point in my life, that I am never buying a juicer.

Also, I just want to point out that Grace already lives and breathes this "whole food" thing.  Check the way she fills that cart!

Day One: Continued

Okay, getting ready for Day Two. I feel pretty good. It was strange to walk up 6th Ave., past all the absolutely delicious-smelling hummus and pizza places, and not feel all that tempted to walk in. Well, maybe a little tempted, but I really like the regimented nature of this plan. Maybe that's why things like South Beach never worked for me; they just presented too many choices and too many "you can have this but only a little" type things. This is like, 11:30: Bam. Coconut water. (To my Irish reader: I wouldn't worry if you can't find it. Just drink extra water, because I think it's on the plan as a hydration aid).

I did make a substitution, though! I know; I'm so bad. I made the broccoli and watercress soup over the weekend and brought it to Dan's, figuring I'd be eating dinner there, but I'm home. So I'm having miso soup with watercress and shitakes for dinner. And maybe a few green beans with the carrot dressing, because miso soup? Not so substantial. Whatever. It's fine.

So, tomorrow:

Breakfast: Smoothie (with protein this time)
When first get to work: Herbal tea
Snack: ...coconut water
Lunch: Detox Teriyaki (marinade has no soy or sugar) Chicken and Wilted Greens
Snack: Miso soup with watercress
Dinner: Broccoli and watercress soup (I am going to turn into a watercress leaf)

Have I turned into one of those anorexia bloggers posting pictures of Karen Carpenter for "thinspiration"? If so, please stop me. This just happens to be the most exciting story in my life right now, that's all. Much more exciting than moving into Dan's apartment in three weeks, right?

Detox Day One: Addendum

I know that Katie likes it after her time in Brazil, the land of coconut water, but is it an acquired taste or something?  On the plus side, I sip it slooooowly.

Detox: Day One

First off, had a great weekend.  The KP girls and I went to a newish, still-BYOB restaurant, and made no friends there, except perhaps our 1.5-to-1 bottle wine ratio.  Then we met "Penelope," with whom Dan seemed to already have a familiarity.

Apparently he has a secret side job.  We also watched a lot of Rome season two, which is very violent and sexy and awesome.

Ok, so.  Detox.  Day one.  I've started.  I feel slightly fuzzy and heavy-headed, which is strange because at this point, there hasn't been any real self-denial.  I stopped drinking coffee a little more than two weeks ago, so that isn't it.  I do usually start the day with a carb, though.  Bagelsmith has mini-bagels, so I generally get those with lowfat veggie cream cheese and it's the perfect amount of food (also, cheap).  So instead I had my handful of berries blended with almond milk, but now I'm realizing I forgot the protein powder and that could have something to do with my current sluggish state.  It's ok.  I can have coconut water at 11:30!  That's pretty soon!  Listen to what the Vita Coco people have to say:

Inside every young coconut is a refreshing electrolyte-replacing beverage that far surpasses every artificial sports drink.  Vita Coco is fat-free and an excelletn source of potassium, manganese, and magnesium.  In fact, this 100% pure life-enhancing beverage has also been proven to increase vitality, ease digestion, cure hangovers (!), and literally save people's lives.

So apparently I'll feel a lot better at 11:30.

Detox: Day Minus 2 (Warm-Up)

I know you've all been biting your nails, wondering how I'll fare with my Gwyneth Detox. I am, too. So I'll just sit here, listen to a not-really-legally obtained Raconteurs album (thanks, Red!) and tell you all about the preparations.

I went to Whole Foods with a staggeringly long list: things I often eat (carrots, onions), self-righteously pretend to eat all the time (broccoli, watercress, whole food vegetables that are not the base of aromatic Italian sauces), have previously dismissed as froufy (agave syrup), or just have never wanted to buy AT ALL. I'm looking at you, almond milk, whey-fortified protein powder, and dried sea vegetables. I did decide that instead of spending $25 on miso soup ingredients, I would just purchase some miso soup in a box, though. Good work, me.

Here's the menu for Day One (I'm starting on Monday) (or maybe Sunday):

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water*
1:30pm (lunch): Salad with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds
6pm (dinner): Broccoli and Arugula Soup
*Make sure that the coconut water has no added sugar. Fresh is ideal but the brands Zico or Vita Coco are readily available.

Could you imagine drinking coconut water with added sugar? Egads!

I will make several modifications to this menu. Firstly, I don't think my coworkers would appreciate my blending smoothies at my desk, so I will have my liquid breakfast before 10am. Also, who gets up at 7am and doesn't eat until 10?* I'll also have to think of a substitute snack for coconut water. Sorry, GP.

Anyway. After lugging all this shite home from Whole Foods (which I thought would come out to millions of dollars but was actually about forty bucks. If that's all I spend on food and drink for a week, that's a a fucking steal) I decided to make a few things ahead of time and get acclimated to my new food friends.

Y'all, I hate to say it, but Gwyneth has a really good recipe ghost-writer. The carrot-ginger salad dressing is pretty awesome or, as Gwyneth puts it, "the jam." The soup, while not exactly screaming with flavor, isn't bad. And the smoothie... okay, the smoothie is a little weird. Like it had a chance, though. Almond milk? How do you milk an almond? And I will maintain throughout my lifetime that you can always, no matter what, taste the protein powder. But it's more than edible and I already feel like some kind of healthful paragon, who sitting on her floor with aligned posture, meditating every morning, rather than a schlub who's a little too attached to her DVR.



*Answer: duh, skinny people

Happy New Year + GOOP

Dan and I are sitting here, watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective after a spectacularly useless day. Oh, New Year's Day. I don't really know why we get off work for you, but whatever: thanks.

It was a pretty chill New Year's. We had a great meal at Kefi and then went to a party populated almost entirely by classical musicians. We were going to sing "Auld Lang Syne" at midnight, but there was a brawl over what key to play it in, and we barely escaped with our lives! Just kidding. I'm still waiting for a New Year's that can top the White Party. Dan and I met at the White Party! I can't believe it's been three years.

So the holidays are over. This was a great season, I think. There was no fighting. It snowed the appropriate amount. No one made me go ice skating (just kidding! I love ice skating!) (for the first ten minutes), and I got a handheld electric mixer from Santa. I also realized how fat I've become. I'll blame it on holiday cookies and endless cheese plates at my parents' house, but it's been coming for a year, really. So, starting Monday... I'm going to... oh lord. This is embarrassing.

I don't know if, when Gwyneth Paltrow launched her hilariously named website GOOP, you um... signed up for the newsletters?

Like I did?

Now every week, Gwyneth sends me serene advice from her spiritual guru friends and coaches me to buy YSL belts, as they "never go out of style." Does any belt go out of style? What can I say? I kind of enjoy escaping into her ridiculous newsletter. Gwyneth is telling me how to be just like her!

Okay. Deep down, I know that I cannot be Gwyneth Paltrow. She's taller than I am, and changing your height isn't really something you can self-improve on, even if you follow Oprah's Best Life Now Plan. Plus the whole international fame and millions-of-dollars thing and marriage to the Coldplay guy (ugh, kind of glad I dodged that bullet there, actually) is kind of a barrier. But that doesn't mean I can't do her seven-day detox, right? I can totally do her seven-day detox! DON'T JUDGE ME.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Day the Sixth

There is no day the sixth. I'm sick, I require sustenance, and I am phasing the brothy soups in early. Master Cleanse, we barely knew ye. Maybe we'll do a full run in August.

In much bigger news, I went to an adoption fair and got myself a kitten. Yeah, that's right, a motherfuckin' kitten. I am a responsible pet owner. I pick up little Mildred from the feline hysterectomy doctor later today. She's quite fantastic.

I did some calculations yesterday, and should Millie escape getting lost or trampled by car wheels, I'll have her until I'm 40.

Day the Third of Master Cleanse

Ok, the Master Cleanse Spicy Lemonade was really grossing me out this morning. I stood at my kitchen counter, citrus fruits and cutting board and manual juicer at the ready, wondering exactly how much more maple syrup and cayenne I could actually take. I began thinking about foods I enjoy. And then I almost made myself a big, delicious salad for breakfast.

Oh, the delicious salad. A big--and I mean big--bowl filled right to the fucking brim with bite-sized hearts of romaine, tiny red and yellow cherry tomatoes, and thinly sliced red onion, all lightly but thoroughly coated with a strawberry-balsamic-dijon vinaigrette and liberally sprinkled with dry, crumbly chevre and a few twists of black pepper. I could've eaten the whole thing. I would've eaten it with salad tongs, and then I would've made more. And I would have been so happy.

Floating on the cloud of my salad daydream, I opened the fridge and stared at the artisanal and semi-stinky triple-cream goat cheese I purchased just last week. I noticed the bin of baby spinach, to which my roommate said I am always welcome. Can you imagine the ecstasy I was imagining, as I also noticed the balsamic vinegar from the other day, reserved from when we'd soaked it with market strawberries, cane sugar, and just a hefty pinch of salt? I grinned maniacally, and danced a little to the beat of "She Drives Me Crazy" in front of the fridge. Oh, this salad was gonna be good. Oh man. I imagined that first bite of salad, and stopped.

No. It would be empty ecstasy, the one-night stand of salads, initially fulfilling but quickly surrounded by guilt and emptiness. Plus I think I'm adjusted enough to liquids that solid food might make me cramp.

So I made my Master Cleanse Spicy Lemonade.

I halved the maple syrup and reduced the cayenne, though, so now it's more like Master Cleanse Watery Lemon Juice.

Tomorrow I am going to wake up feeling light and airy, as though I have been massaged by the cherubim and pampered in heaven's own health spa.

If I don't, I'm eating the salad.

Reviews of New Food: Master Cleanse Spicy Lemonade

I have been reading McSweeney's Reviews of New Food for the last hour, in retaliation for not taking a lunch break (unjustified, as I am not eating lunch but instead sipping my spicy-sugary beverage and resisting the casual urge for Pringles ~4x hourly while tallying shipping invoices).

McSweeney's Internet Tendency Presents:
Reviews of New Food
(careful not to read it all at once, or around people who you prefer see you dry-eyed, with an intact gut)

McSweeney's, which I have for several years privately viewed as obtuse, unapproachable, masturbatory, and gauche, has finally cracked me. I find it hilarious. And given that I have sworn to ingest only Master Cleanse Spicy Lemonade until the Saturday the next, it comforts me to know that according to the likes of Gregory Plemmons, Jonathan Shipley, and Other People I Have Never Heard Of, I'm not missing out on much.

The Master Cleanse

C. and I are tag-teaming in an effort to rid our bodies of unwanted toxins, and we are not fucking around. We need an ally in this pursuit, and if it must be a difficult one, then so be it.

We are taking on The Master Cleanse.

For the next ten days, we will consume nothing but this special drink of lemons and maple syrup and cayenne pepper and water. Plus the occasional "internal salt water bath" (don't ask. Seriously, don't even speculate).

Never fear, it's perfectly safe. I read it on the Internet, so it must be true.