(G)oops

Wait, you thought I wasn't going to buy Gwyneth Paltrow's cookbook?

As you know, I have a love/hate relationship with GP and her lifestyle blog/newsletter, in which she recommends wearing a $455 Isabel Marant blazer to the beach. Such is advice from a woman who hasn't paid for clothing since 1996. But after reading this hilarious review, I had to try the cookbook out. Would I, like the reviewer, discover an affinity for raw honey and almonds soaked in water? Would I start speaking to Gwyneth in the kitchen as I cooked?

Kind of.

Below is Sunday's dinner: local cod cooked en papillote with "Lee's Hoisin Sauce," fava beans, and "Carrots with Black Sesame and Ginger," or rather "Regular Sesame" because who the F keeps black sesame seeds around -

This dinner was amazing. When he was done, Dan literally picked up his plate and started licking it. "This is so good!" he said. "This is as good as anything as you could get in a restaurant."

The next day, I had leftover sesame carrots with "Perfectly Cooked Quinoa" that was tasty and filling but not quite perfectly cooked, to be honest, and I forgot that quinoa sticks to your teeth like CRAZY. For dinner, I made a kale salad with "Creamy Parsley Dressing," described by Dan as "such a perfect summer flavor!" Then there was chicken marinated in more of "Lee's Hoisin Sauce" mixed with glop from a can of chipotles that made Dan started crying and and then write a letter to the editor to The Economist about getting our kitchen protected as a heritage landmark through his joyful tears.

So, as long as you remember that Gwyneth is not a nutritionist or doctor and can handle the fact that the book features a lot of striped bass "because it swims in the waters close to Gwyneth's summer home, where we do a lot of cooking," this book could be for you. The recipes are really good! They better be, coming from someone who once wrote that "as a home cook, one of the best things I’ve ever done was to build a wood-burning oven in the back yard."

From This Week's GOOP, Presented Without Comment

"For lounging around on the weekend, we opt for loose silk pants and a plain sweatshirt."

Sweatshirt: $675

Jewelry (combined): $790

"Sneakers": $600

Pants: $1,695

"Lounging around on the weekend" total: $3,760 (excluding blowout)

PS

This is the $270 GOOP tray in action. GP is writing a note to her dear friend Mario Batali, probably about how she carted home all the centerpieces from her niece's wedding.

GOOP: The Collaborations

My mother, a champion shopper and possessor of impeccable style, recently purchased this killer knit blazer at the Gap:

Isn’t it great? The manufacturer’s suggested retail price is $88. With various coupons and potions she paid $58.

Coincidentally, GOOP just announced their most recent “collaboration,” this time with rag & bone. The GOOP shop, building on its existing product line of a single $90 t-shirt, jeans and a bikini, a $270 etched tray designed by Diane Von Furstenberg’s ex-daughter-in-law, and a set of four towels, has decided to add two more pairs of pants (GOOP: empire of bottoms) and a blazer.

The blazer looks… familiar. It’s $495. My mom should take over as GOOP’s buying director, no?

Tags: goop mom shopping

Fly Better

GOOP has been so lame lately.  Last week we learned how to make beds (really) and the week before it was her brother-in-law's apartment renovation.  Yawn.  We reached a new low this week with tips on flying.

I'm not sure Gwyneth understands the meaning of "bedraggled," (1.) as her hair looks pretty great (2.).  Please note also the fancy first class seat (3.) and diamond ring the size of a Raffetto's mini ravioli (4.).  The working life is hard.

The tips, however, are life-changing!  Tip numero uno: bring an iPod.  An iPod!  It's like an iPhone but it plays music.  But doesn't an iPhone play music too?  Maybe bring both to make sure.  But you also need to bring these things called "headphones," they're like speakers for your ears and only you can hear out of them; they're really neat.  You can also buy this thing, "moistalyzer" or "mosertightener"... I forget the exact word, but it's this goop (!) in a jar or a tube and you put it on your skin.  If you forget, your skin falls off.  

It's equally important to metallize yourself (5., 6.).  I'm not so sure about this one because I don't want Magneto having that kind of control over my body, but I guess if Magneto is on the plane it's going down anyway?  Unless Professor X manages to levitate it and/or Storm creates some kind of wind cushion to keep everything afloat.  Well, whatever, I bet everyone downs magnesium and sprays silver on themselves before they fly, so it's not like I'll be the only one.

Finally, being near normal people is gross, and regular hand sanitizer gives you polio, so protect yourself accordingly (7.).  Thanks Gwyneth!  I hope someday that I get to fly somewhere you recommend, and I will definitely spray high stability active silver everywhere to ensure I arrive safely.

Love,

mv

Goop Goes to the Emmys!

Says Gwyneth of this photo, taken at a slightly awkward angle:

I live for Tina Fey and I love Kenneth from 30 Rock! Wait ... why does my arm look like that and since when do I have 9 chins?

Is this is to show us that Gwyneth has the same "Ahhhhh I look horrible!" reaction to pictures of herself that we do?  A pretend cry for help for her fictional body dysmorphic disorder?  Is a pre-emptive strike at us for realizing that Tina Fey looks awesome in this picture?

In any case, I think this is the last "scrapbook" edition of GOOP where GP snaps away with her BlackBerry rather than bringing along dear friend Mario Testino.

Spoke Too Soon

Remember how I made fun of Goop's $785 maxi dress?

It's sold out.

Oh Goop, Goop, Goop

My love-hate-headsmacking relationship with GOOP continues.  (and yes, all of the below images are stolen from there.  WHATEVER).

This week, Gwyneth is sharing her picks for your spring wardrobe, and helpfully includes links to Net-A-Porter "in honor of a friend who asked that we make the GET clothing ideas easier to purchase." I'm not sure this "friend" meant links to a $1,295 clutch bag, but on the other hand, the "friend" is probably Beyonce, so... maybe.

Continuing: easy clothing solutions for everyday wear.

Dig up your denim skirt from eighth grade and wear it to work!

(J/K.  That skirt is $515. Wha... you guys...  I... moving on.  I do like that satchel).

Take your $455 blazer to the beach!

(Okay, I will give her the abs.  The abs are good.  IT WORKED, GWYNETH.  I'M LOOKING AT YOUR ABS).

Spring is all about celebrating Miami Vice in your daily life, because nothing says "I miss Don Johnson" like a boxy blazer over a nightgown.  Maybe she's sad NBC passed on his Shampoo pilot?

But here's the thing: even as I mock that stupid $785 rayon maxi dress, I am simultaneously thinking, "huh, didn't Jane Feltes recommend something like this from the Anthropologie sale section on The Hairpin last week?  Maybe I should check that out," and then I do and seriously consider buying it but fortunately - because otherwise, I would've done it; Gwyneth and Jane told me to! - they're out of my size.

And then there's this.

Listen.  I get that GP is a movie star married to a rock star and the progeny of a filthy rich producer.  Baby Gwyneth probably wore Armani onesies.  But the suggested retail value for the above four items totals $4,275.  And the amusing/depressing part is that this look is the one easiest to recreate with sixty bucks at Beacon's Closet.  A dude's old blazer over a Forever 21 print dress: it is not hard.  So why must we make it high-end and expensive?  Gwyneth!  Stop pretending to be like us!  You're not good at it!

Crazy Girl Week!

We had a great Thanksgiving (Mom had the brilliant idea to go to the Short Hills Hilton for Thanksgiving brunch, thereby eliminating all cleanup after gorging ourselves on mashed taters and the crab claw table).  Dan's mom came for the In-Law Meeting, which went well, and we all spent most of the holiday cooing over the three Foster Kittens of Cuteness.

Then Dan left for Mexico.  Family vacation at an all-inclusive resort.  So, naturally, while he spends the week feasting on chips and guac, make-your-own-omelet-bar omelets, and pina coladas, I am going to do what any sensible girl does in my position: go on a Crazy Diet!  Yaaaaaaay!

Crazy Diets are not like Healthy Eating Plans, which are, as Emily Gould is correct in saying, boring.  Crazy Diets, on the other hand, are sooooo fun to obsess over and overshare about with everyone you know.   Then said everyone you know tells you how you shouldn't try to subsist on almond milk smoothies because you're perfect just the way you are!  Upon hearing this encouragement, I like to smile serenely, shrug, and take a spoonful of cold raw-vegetable soup.  Hey, we all have to get our kicks somehow.

I've tried many a Crazy Diet - almost all? - and so: this week's Crazy Diet will be a combination Master Cleanse, GOOP Detox, and Blueprint's newest diet-disguised-as-"Oh I'm just being healthy"-diet, "Juice 'Til Dinner."  Oh, plus coffee.  Crazy Diets take misery to the next level by eliminating caffeine.  Maybe that's what makes them Crazy?

Anyway, I have to do it this week because Dan said that if I do a Crazy Diet while he's around, he'll break up with me.  Have fun in Mexico, my love!

Day Six: Kind of

Yeah, not really, because Dan and I went to Miranda last night and although I abstained from ordering their delicious, delicious arancini, I still dug into a chocolate semifreddo. Worth it. The restaurant was depressingly empty for such a good place. If you're looking for excellent Latin-Italian food with a steal of a prix-fixe menu in trendy Williamsburg (3 courses for $25; menu also available a la carte), it's the place go. We also recently (well, before Christmas) went to El Almacen, a new Argentinean place right by the Beford L, which had great food as well.

I had borscht for breakfast. Maybe I'll do a smoothie for lunch.

So, the move. I alluded to it earlier, but my lease is up at the end of this month, and as much as I like my cozy apartment located conveniently near the sites of several stabbings and murder-by-machete over the summer, I decided not to renew. The original plan was for Dan and I to get our own place, but for a couple of reasons we decided to hold off on that, and instead I'm moving into his place. Since he already has two roommates (who are both being awesome about the whole situation), it'll be like Four's Company, updated for the aughts. Basically:


I'm pretty excited. I am going to have to get rid of A LOT of stuff. All the random doo-dads, bits of paper with illegible phone numbers, half-used pens, my cupboards... I don't even want to think about the cupboards, all stuffed to the gills with tapioca pearls and cornstarch and six kinds of vinegar. Being in the austere mindset of detoxification should make purging easy, right? Because this afternoon, I'm going to be junking. A lot. Of stuff.

This is going to suck.

Day Four: Whatevs

I included four tortellini in my lunch today.  I think if I have just a nibble of carb it helps with the "feeling normal."  I also had a few chips last night.  Oops.  BUT in my defense, it was far, far fewer chips than I would usually consume.

Anyway.

Today.

I had my smoothie.

I had my tea.

I had my lemon water.

I'm out of coconut water.  Will buy more; the taste is growing on me.

I'm not exactly following the detox menus anymore, partially out of organization and partially because even without following them to a T, I've been eating far more healthfully than usual, and just eating healthfully has been pretty easy.  Hopefully that'll be the lesson for the week that will stick for a while.  With that plus exercise, I should still be able to shed some pounds, right?

Tomorrow:

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Peach and Almond Smoothie (follow method for Blueberry and Almond Smoothie)
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Raw crudite (carrots, green beans, radishes, cucumbers, zucchini) with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): Beet, Carrot, Apple and Ginger Juice
6pm (dinner): Cucumber and Avocado Soup

I'll have some extra veggies instead of the juice.  I think I can say, at this point in my life, that I am never buying a juicer.

Also, I just want to point out that Grace already lives and breathes this "whole food" thing.  Check the way she fills that cart!

Day One: Continued

Okay, getting ready for Day Two. I feel pretty good. It was strange to walk up 6th Ave., past all the absolutely delicious-smelling hummus and pizza places, and not feel all that tempted to walk in. Well, maybe a little tempted, but I really like the regimented nature of this plan. Maybe that's why things like South Beach never worked for me; they just presented too many choices and too many "you can have this but only a little" type things. This is like, 11:30: Bam. Coconut water. (To my Irish reader: I wouldn't worry if you can't find it. Just drink extra water, because I think it's on the plan as a hydration aid).

I did make a substitution, though! I know; I'm so bad. I made the broccoli and watercress soup over the weekend and brought it to Dan's, figuring I'd be eating dinner there, but I'm home. So I'm having miso soup with watercress and shitakes for dinner. And maybe a few green beans with the carrot dressing, because miso soup? Not so substantial. Whatever. It's fine.

So, tomorrow:

Breakfast: Smoothie (with protein this time)
When first get to work: Herbal tea
Snack: ...coconut water
Lunch: Detox Teriyaki (marinade has no soy or sugar) Chicken and Wilted Greens
Snack: Miso soup with watercress
Dinner: Broccoli and watercress soup (I am going to turn into a watercress leaf)

Have I turned into one of those anorexia bloggers posting pictures of Karen Carpenter for "thinspiration"? If so, please stop me. This just happens to be the most exciting story in my life right now, that's all. Much more exciting than moving into Dan's apartment in three weeks, right?

Detox Day One: Addendum

I know that Katie likes it after her time in Brazil, the land of coconut water, but is it an acquired taste or something?  On the plus side, I sip it slooooowly.

Detox: Day One

First off, had a great weekend.  The KP girls and I went to a newish, still-BYOB restaurant, and made no friends there, except perhaps our 1.5-to-1 bottle wine ratio.  Then we met "Penelope," with whom Dan seemed to already have a familiarity.

Apparently he has a secret side job.  We also watched a lot of Rome season two, which is very violent and sexy and awesome.

Ok, so.  Detox.  Day one.  I've started.  I feel slightly fuzzy and heavy-headed, which is strange because at this point, there hasn't been any real self-denial.  I stopped drinking coffee a little more than two weeks ago, so that isn't it.  I do usually start the day with a carb, though.  Bagelsmith has mini-bagels, so I generally get those with lowfat veggie cream cheese and it's the perfect amount of food (also, cheap).  So instead I had my handful of berries blended with almond milk, but now I'm realizing I forgot the protein powder and that could have something to do with my current sluggish state.  It's ok.  I can have coconut water at 11:30!  That's pretty soon!  Listen to what the Vita Coco people have to say:

Inside every young coconut is a refreshing electrolyte-replacing beverage that far surpasses every artificial sports drink.  Vita Coco is fat-free and an excelletn source of potassium, manganese, and magnesium.  In fact, this 100% pure life-enhancing beverage has also been proven to increase vitality, ease digestion, cure hangovers (!), and literally save people's lives.

So apparently I'll feel a lot better at 11:30.

Detox: Day Minus 2 (Warm-Up)

I know you've all been biting your nails, wondering how I'll fare with my Gwyneth Detox. I am, too. So I'll just sit here, listen to a not-really-legally obtained Raconteurs album (thanks, Red!) and tell you all about the preparations.

I went to Whole Foods with a staggeringly long list: things I often eat (carrots, onions), self-righteously pretend to eat all the time (broccoli, watercress, whole food vegetables that are not the base of aromatic Italian sauces), have previously dismissed as froufy (agave syrup), or just have never wanted to buy AT ALL. I'm looking at you, almond milk, whey-fortified protein powder, and dried sea vegetables. I did decide that instead of spending $25 on miso soup ingredients, I would just purchase some miso soup in a box, though. Good work, me.

Here's the menu for Day One (I'm starting on Monday) (or maybe Sunday):

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water*
1:30pm (lunch): Salad with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds
6pm (dinner): Broccoli and Arugula Soup
*Make sure that the coconut water has no added sugar. Fresh is ideal but the brands Zico or Vita Coco are readily available.

Could you imagine drinking coconut water with added sugar? Egads!

I will make several modifications to this menu. Firstly, I don't think my coworkers would appreciate my blending smoothies at my desk, so I will have my liquid breakfast before 10am. Also, who gets up at 7am and doesn't eat until 10?* I'll also have to think of a substitute snack for coconut water. Sorry, GP.

Anyway. After lugging all this shite home from Whole Foods (which I thought would come out to millions of dollars but was actually about forty bucks. If that's all I spend on food and drink for a week, that's a a fucking steal) I decided to make a few things ahead of time and get acclimated to my new food friends.

Y'all, I hate to say it, but Gwyneth has a really good recipe ghost-writer. The carrot-ginger salad dressing is pretty awesome or, as Gwyneth puts it, "the jam." The soup, while not exactly screaming with flavor, isn't bad. And the smoothie... okay, the smoothie is a little weird. Like it had a chance, though. Almond milk? How do you milk an almond? And I will maintain throughout my lifetime that you can always, no matter what, taste the protein powder. But it's more than edible and I already feel like some kind of healthful paragon, who sitting on her floor with aligned posture, meditating every morning, rather than a schlub who's a little too attached to her DVR.



*Answer: duh, skinny people

Happy New Year + GOOP

Dan and I are sitting here, watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective after a spectacularly useless day. Oh, New Year's Day. I don't really know why we get off work for you, but whatever: thanks.

It was a pretty chill New Year's. We had a great meal at Kefi and then went to a party populated almost entirely by classical musicians. We were going to sing "Auld Lang Syne" at midnight, but there was a brawl over what key to play it in, and we barely escaped with our lives! Just kidding. I'm still waiting for a New Year's that can top the White Party. Dan and I met at the White Party! I can't believe it's been three years.

So the holidays are over. This was a great season, I think. There was no fighting. It snowed the appropriate amount. No one made me go ice skating (just kidding! I love ice skating!) (for the first ten minutes), and I got a handheld electric mixer from Santa. I also realized how fat I've become. I'll blame it on holiday cookies and endless cheese plates at my parents' house, but it's been coming for a year, really. So, starting Monday... I'm going to... oh lord. This is embarrassing.

I don't know if, when Gwyneth Paltrow launched her hilariously named website GOOP, you um... signed up for the newsletters?

Like I did?

Now every week, Gwyneth sends me serene advice from her spiritual guru friends and coaches me to buy YSL belts, as they "never go out of style." Does any belt go out of style? What can I say? I kind of enjoy escaping into her ridiculous newsletter. Gwyneth is telling me how to be just like her!

Okay. Deep down, I know that I cannot be Gwyneth Paltrow. She's taller than I am, and changing your height isn't really something you can self-improve on, even if you follow Oprah's Best Life Now Plan. Plus the whole international fame and millions-of-dollars thing and marriage to the Coldplay guy (ugh, kind of glad I dodged that bullet there, actually) is kind of a barrier. But that doesn't mean I can't do her seven-day detox, right? I can totally do her seven-day detox! DON'T JUDGE ME.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Best Thing To Happen To PBS Since Roots

Part of my job is keeping track of what the other networks are doing. In other words: they enable me. So imagine my sheepishness at the weekly staff meeting a few weeks ago when I announced this unusual program coming up on public television. Spain: On the Road... Again, with Mario Batali, Mark Bittman, Hot-Ass Spanish Actress X, and... Gwyneth Paltrow. Y'all, it makes no sense. Take a psycho-brilliant chef, cross him with the most pragmatic cookbook author known to man (what up, How to Cook Everything, book that taught me how to cook), add a few buckets of saffron and... I'm sorry, why the F is macrobiotic Gwyneth Paltrow there? Anyway. The show is awesome. And I kind of love GP now. She comes off as pretty funny. And she speaks Spanish! Maybe she's there because she named her firstborn after a fruit.

Here she is worrying about all the weight she won't gain:


I'm not familiar with the other ridiculously beautiful, pentalingual actress who rounds out the foursome, but she and Mark Bittman just drive around the Iberian peninsula in a Mercedes convertible, visiting cheesemongers, eating Romesco sauce and flirting while she teaches him Spanish. I'm thinking Mrs. Bittman is going to so PO'd when she sees it, honestly.


How Vicky Cristina. I want to be a Spaniard.