Marnie is Singing Kanye West And I WANT TO DIEEEEEEE

Out Damn Spot

Kerry Washington and the costume designer from Scandal are on a full-court press to bring back opera-length gloves.

On a date with an open container ? Gloves.

President woke up from his coma? Gloves.

OLIVIA POPE (this is how everyone addresses and refers to Washington's character) is the most immaculately dressed character on television. She lives in cream-colored cashmere shawl coats and a variety of tailored white pantsuits that reveal she must never drink coffee because how else do they never have stains? Anyway, I used to think that the opera-length gloves were just another indication of her chicness, but I now realize she wears them because her hands are so dirty. Oh my God, EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW has committed at least three felonies. The president (spoiler) (I'm putting a line break here in case you want to catch up) --

Grudging Props to Netflix

Their self-contained marketing campaign for Arrested Development is pretty clever.

The Newsroom

Having worked for three months five years ago as a temporary production assistant on a show on CNBC, I feel uniquely and thoroughly qualified to tell you everything that's right and wrong with The Newsroom, HBO's latest new show/Aaron Sorkin's attempt to get us to believe journalism can still be good. Real or not real? Read on.

Will has a public meltdown and people care for more than fifteen seconds.
He's not Brian Williams, guys. No one pays attention if Chris Matthews yells at someone.

Allison Pill and Thomas Sadoski are dating, and Allison Pill is super paranoid that someone in HR will find out and she'll be fired.
Cable news is second only to university student-run musical theater groups in terms of incestuousness. It's high pressure and creates lots of moments for intense bonding; plus, no one ever leaves the building. Where else are you going to meet someone?

Thomas Sadoski is a passive-aggressive dick to his girlfriend and she puts up with it.
Ugh, true. Dump him, Allison. He's not even wearing an undershirt.

The network head hires the anchor's old flame as his new executive producer without consulting said anchor.
I don't know if this is real or not. Probably not, but EPs get hired for weird reasons. Ours was only 33, and depending on who you ask, was hired because a) she'd had an affair with the head of the news division, or b) she had a unique ability to get our notoriously distractable anchor to do what he needed. Probably a combination of the two.

Mackenzie, mentioned above, immediately promotes Allison Pill from assistant to associate producer because of her loyalty.
Kind of real. I mean, the actual conversation was unlikely, but the promotion process in cable news is byzantine. The fastest way up the ladder is being one of the only people around to climb it.

Mackenzie instantly gets inappropriately involved in the romantic lives of her staff.
True! 

Will does not know his assistant's name.
I buy him not knowing anyone else's name, but there is NO WAY he doesn't know the name of his assistant. He would forget the name of his wife before his assistant. What else is he going to yell at her to get him his coffee?


Will is apparently dating Erin Andrews.
Yeah right.



Will does not where his control room is.
True.

Will is kind of an asshole.
True.

John Gallagher, Jr. shows up and DOES NOT burst into song.
I guess this is true, but that doesn't mean I'm not upset about it.

The more sympathetic members of the newsroom staff reveal unparalled expertise on ocean floor geology approximately twelve seconds after the Deepwater Horizon explodes.
Most people who go into cable news are not physical science majors. I'm just saying.

The network head wanders the hallways in a bow tie, carrying a bottle of Scotch.
I wish that one were true.

John Gallagher, Jr. looks sad when Allison Pill/Margaret leaves with her awful boyfriend instead of dumping the rube and dating him instead, after knowing her for six hours.
Aw, I hope this would be true. Sorry. I love John Gallagher, Jr. Did you see him in Spring Awakening? Squee! He's the cutest!

Overall, I thought the show was entertaining.  Yes, I let out a giant groan during the uber-earnest West Wing style opening credits, but Emily Mortimer is pretty lovable as Mackenzie and the "recent past" setting works against odds.  Will Olivia Munn's entrance as a Money Honey wreck it all next week?  Time will tell.

Dubious Honor

Downton

As previously mentioned, I am super into Downton Abbey, and am simultaneously enchanted and puzzled by how much drama they can wring out whether or not Gwen will get a job as a secretary.

Also by the clever trick of turning us all against Homely Edith (left).  Who knew I'd be rooting for Beauteous Mary (center)?  (although let's be honest, Progressive Sybil (right) is obviously the best).

AHHHHHHHHHH NEED SEASON TWO WHY DO THE BRITISH GET EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGG3245(*&&$@#!*

What Should I Be Watching?

Occasionally people ask me what TV they should be watching (I am a professional, after all).  So, some suggestions with what to do with that swath of time between Christmas and New Year's, because you better not be at the mall returning things on the 26th.  Wait until January like a normal person!

Set Your DVR/Catch up on repeats
The following are currently on the air and worth checking out.  Sadly, it's a small list: this year's crop of new shows was underwhelming.

Revenge
An uber-campy, over-the-top revenge story so thoroughly unrealistic that you start to question whether it even takes place on Earth.  Which is why it is AWESOME.  Great one to dissect with a group.  Like, when did Emily get a sensei?  Aren't they supposed to be peaceful?

Parks and Recreation
In my opinion, this is currently the best comedy on television.  If Ron Swanson doesn't make you laugh, you're probably European.

The Good Wife
Do you need a satisfying crime procedural with less child rape than SVU?  Do you like KILLER guest stars hamming it up every week?  Are you human?  Do you have a soul?  Are you (probably) female?  This show is for you.

Currently Streaming
These are the shows you should be streaming via Netflix , cursing yourself as you immediately watch three hours in a row because you can't say no to your own request for "just one more."

Breaking Bad
First three seasons available legally.  Season four available... elsewhere.  I have so much to say about Breaking Bad that it needs its own post, but suffice to say that the hype is accurate.  This is up there with The Sopranos in terms of a great, epic show.

Party Down
The downfall of this particular show was that its cast was too good: they all left for networks that pay better and the show got cancelled.  But enjoy this brief, shining moment of comedy perfection and join the Party Down crew as they cater a variety of events from hell.  If you have ever worked in service or the arts you will find it particularly biting.

Friday Night Lights
Sorry to get all "best show everrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!" on you, but it really is so perfect.  For everyone.  Settle in with a hankie and prepare to start telling everyone that clear eyes, full hearts can't lose, and steel yourself for the realization that you and your spouse will never be Coach and Tami Taylor.

Downton Abbey
I started this one last night, watched half of season one in a sitting, and take back all the times I referred to it as "DownTOWN Abbey" - this show is richly satisfying.  A friend currently has black market season two screeners and I am determined to make them mine.  My favorite line so far is when the Dowager Countess asks what a "weekend" is.

Jackie's Packie

Paul and Lucia continue on their slow crawl to internet domination.

The Good Wife: Season 3

Season three premiered and it's great.  PHEW.

The only way for this series to end satisfyingly is if Peter goes to jail again.  And gets shivved.

Goop Goes to the Emmys!

Says Gwyneth of this photo, taken at a slightly awkward angle:

I live for Tina Fey and I love Kenneth from 30 Rock! Wait ... why does my arm look like that and since when do I have 9 chins?

Is this is to show us that Gwyneth has the same "Ahhhhh I look horrible!" reaction to pictures of herself that we do?  A pretend cry for help for her fictional body dysmorphic disorder?  Is a pre-emptive strike at us for realizing that Tina Fey looks awesome in this picture?

In any case, I think this is the last "scrapbook" edition of GOOP where GP snaps away with her BlackBerry rather than bringing along dear friend Mario Testino.

Season Four!

Listen, Game of Thrones was good and all, but as someone who's read the books, the series was a little underwhelming.  I was glad to hear that non-readers were floored by the last two episodes, but knowing the Big Plot Twist (which I'll fully admit is a humdinger) a year in advance sucks some life out of the viewing experience.

But speaking of life-sucking (OY), True Blood is back this Sunday!  Posters have begun to pop up on the subway.  My heart skips a beat when I see them.  It's really happening!  Summer is here!

Platinum Hit

What - another Bravo competition show with terrible Photoshopping?

Fall TV

The upfronts recently wrapped, and next season there will be new shows on TV.  I will watch all of them (it's my job!) at least once or twice, and several will become staples... but to make room on the DVR, other shows will have to go.  My candidates so far...

Gossip Girl

The first half of this season was AWESOME.  The second half... not so much.  Now that they're introducing a con woman with a dual identity into the main cast and (apparently) a pregnancy plotline, it might be time to go.

The Office

Who am I kidding?  I'll tune in for the first few episodes.  But more and more lately, watching has felt like a chore.

Top Chef

This one hurts.  It hurts a lot.  But do I really need to watch a show in its eighth season?  Especially when the last two have been more or less meh?

Fringe

Another show with Gossip Girl Syndrome - twelve absolutely ass-kicking episodes in the fall led to twelve more kind of stupid episodes in the spring.  

Glee

Yeah, I said I was stopping before.  Then I kind of got sucked back in.  Next season I'm going cold turkey.

The Good Wife

Hahahahahahahah I will never stop watching TGW.

And finally, the last show I will not be watching this fall is Mad Men, because there will be no new episodes until TWENTY-TWELVE.  What?!  Why?!  What ever else will I possibly watch until then?  Ah yes - everything else.

True Story

Back in 2007, when I was a page at NBC, I had a plum assignment at SNL.  As a result, I am now really annoying to watch the show with.

"That sketch must be on stage 3!" 

"That wig was designed by Louie Zakarian."

"Oh my god I just heard the stage manager's voice, that's totally Gina."

"Did you know SNL's the only show without a seven-second tape delay?  Holla!"

Etc.

Anyway, I thought I would share my best story, because I was just watching some (hilarious) Stefon clips with Bill Hader and oh, my lord, do I have a doozy of a Bill Hader anecdote.  So, here's my juiciest tidbit from my three-month stint at SNL.  

I was down on the 8th floor, right by the entrance to the stage, looking for some rundowns.  I backed up a little bit and stepped on someone's foot.  I turned around.  It was Bill Hader.

"I'm..." I began to stammer out an apology.

"Oh I'm so sorry!" he said.  "Sorry!  Sorry!"

Then he walked down the hall.

See?

Scandalous.

I hope he becomes the most successful man in the world.

Public Breakup

Remember when Glee was good? That one year? There was the Madonna episode: a forty-two minute tribute to the Material Goddess that somehow advanced four (!) plotlines. The finale of season 1a, when New Directions won at Sectionals in an episode I watched six times, followed by a BS loss at Regionals that was actually heartbreaking. Guest stars were perfectly cast, and not always famous. Sue Sylvester hadn't yet used up all the good lines. Will didn't change love interests every three weeks. And if the "I'm quitting Glee Club! No wait I love Glee Club" conflicts that popped up for every single character got old, I felt like at least they'd dispense with them in season two.

I was wrong. The show is a mess. Nothing makes sense. Plot lines dangle, if they exist at all, new characters pop up every two weeks and then hang around listlessly, waiting for a solo, or a back story. Why watch when I can get the songs on Hulu? I gave it half a season to improve, but after the Super Bowl episode, watched by 26.8 million surely bewildered viewers, it's off my DVR.

Anyway, check out this link to Artie's "Safety Dance," a perfect example of Glee at its best. The number itself is killer, and the context is both poignant and true to high school: wheelchair-bound Artie dreams both of dancing and of starting a YouTube-worthy flash mob at the mall, and neither one is going to happen, except in his dreams.

This season, Artie is on the football team. Surprise! It doesn't really make sense.

We'll always have season one.

Puppy Bowl Sunday

Better than the Super Bowl?  The Puppy Bowl.  Three hours of baby canines playing in a faux-stadium.

Better than the Puppy Bowl?  The Kitty Halftime Show!  Baby felines batting at toys!

Better than the Kitty Halftime Show?  Nothing.

One looked just like Bianca.  

Yes, I called my parents to make sure they were watching.

Free Snooki

Two posts in a row about Jersey Shore?! Who am I; a tv-obsessed American with a semi-vested interest in its success?!

Anyway, last night, Snooki got arrested. Well, she got arrested months ago, but last night on tv she got arrested, and as we all know, that's the only time getting arrested counts.

As much as I love her, I was pretty happy that dear Snooks had to face actual consequences for funneling a beer in the back room/sneaking out of work to take shots at 11am. She knows just as well as Frank, the t-shirt shop proprietor for whom the housemates "work," that she's waaaaaaay too famous for him or any other mere citizen to wield authority over her.

Watching Nicole get blasted with an older couple at a boardwalk bar at the end of her two-hour shift, a couple likely tickled by the story they could now tell their Gen-Y children, was a bit like watching a dramatization of Lindsay Lohan: The Early Slide, and I found it uncomfortable. But you know whose authority she isn't too famous for? The cops. So when she started sliding across the beach with an open container, trainwrecking in a spectacular fashion in the midst of a large crowd Red-Sea-ing to get the best view, the Night's Watch of Seaside Heights were there and ready to pounce.

"You guys are no fun."

But also no fun? A Lohan-ed Nicole Polizzi. It's one thing for me to belly-laugh as Snooki sits in her mini-fridge because the new tanning lotion is burning her buns, but it's not so fun to watch her self-destruct on television. I don't think she's too far gone for a simple wake-up call to send her back to mere light debauchery. So, Seaside Heights po-po, I salute you. May Sammi and Ron be next.

Jersey Shore!

I've finally joined the rest of the American TV viewing comunity in the shared cultural experience that is Jersey Shore (not kidding: 8.6 million viewers and counting.  That's more than Grey's Anatomy).

New roommate Deena is SO JERSEY.  From the crunchy gel-waves to the facial piercing that looks like a zit to calling Sammi a Very Bad Word because Sammi laughed while she drunkenly tried to straddle The Sitch in his sleep.  The essence of the Garden State.

I'm no Sammi fan but I'm going to say she wasn't entirely in the wrong for getting pissed.

Ugh, this show makes me want to be a boy.  They just put on their fresh t-shirts and cook family dinner on Sundays.  No screaming.  No crying.  No pulling out each other's weaves.

TEAM SNOOKI!



Her omission from the "Best Actress in a Comedy" category at the Globes is an absolute crime.

Incredibly Not Perfect

I just watched the first episode of this show, and it is horrible.

I don't think I can describe how bad it is. The cast clearly knows, judging from their press photo:

Janis from Flash Forward just realized she's on another doomed-for-cancellation show, the guy from Worst Week is having a similar epiphany, the Waitress is like, I seriously can't believe I gave up an expanded storyline on Sunny for this, the Zenned-out dude with the Waitress hasn't yet seen a rough cut, and Olivia Munn got her photoshoots mixed up - Maxim is later this week, Liv!

I also just realized that one of the roles was clearly recast, since the top photo features a different dude. Awwww. They should work out the timelines on these better.

Thank God

Ugh, I've been having kind of a shitty week. But at least the powers that be have released a preview for the upcoming third season of Jersey Shore. You'd have to have a shriveled heart of tar to not laugh.

Jersey Shore - MTV Shows

Where's the beach? Where the f*** is the beach?