Crazy Diet!

With winter maybe, possibly ending, it seems like a good time to stop eating loaded baked potato soup. So when Mom told me that she and a friend were doing "Dr. Oz's Rapid Weight-Loss Plan," I figured I'd hop in. If you're going to diet, you might as well have someone to whom you can whine about wanting a pita chip.

SO DELICIOUS.

The diet is pretty easy - I'd hesitate to even call it a diet. It's more of a "stop eating all that shit and you'll lose weight, you dummy" type of plan. Protein shake in the morning, lots of vegetables, some lean protein, no wheat, no white sugar, no alcohol, no cheese. Honestly, the "no alcohol, no cheese" would probably be enough to take a few pounds off me, so I'm expecting that by the 17th, I will be a mere twiglet of my former self. HOOPLA!

When Dan's Away...

I mentioned this earlier, but Dan's in Israel for nine days.  And when Dan's away, Meghan will play... at crazy diets!!!!

 

Usually I do a hodgepodge Crazy Diet, where I eat kale salads with avocado chunks and carrot-ginger dressing for two days straight, and then go home and drink a martini with twelve olives.  This time, though, I wanted to get serious and actually lose some weight/break bad habits.  So I'm doing the BluePrint Cleanse.

If you've been on the Internet between 2007 and the present, you know that the BPC is a juice-based "nutritional cleanse" involving six "fresh-pressed" juices a day.  Allegedly, three days of BPC-ing will "gently rid your body of impurities, regain an alkaline balance and normalize digestion and metabolism."  This mantra allows people to believe they aren't on a liquid diet to lose weight.  It's for health reasons!  I'm totally Zenning!

Anyway, I'm on day two of juice and feel pretty good.  I was a bit tempted to eat something yesterday, but upon remembering how much cash I forked over for these g-d juices, I decided the salad wasn't worth it.

I'm pretty sure that thought process is the main reason this works.

Jillian, My Master

I have recently (like over the past 2-3 months) toned up and lost some weight.  It seems like body change happens gradually and then suddenly, you know?  Like, one week I'm standing in J. Crew trying not to cry about looking like a house and the next I'm zipping up my stomach-flu jeans.  I haven't worn these jeans since I got a hideous puking disease in Costa Rica last year.  It's very exciting.

I switched from my usual weight loss plan of subsisting on lemon water and carrots for 4-6 days to a very new and controversial diet system known as "exercising" coupled with "not drinking wine everyday."  It doesn't work as quickly as a Crazy Diet, but the effects last much longer.  My key?  TV's toughest trainer, Jillian Michaels.

See those arms?  Those can be your arms.  Okay, I have no idea how to get those arms, but a slightly less muscley version can be your arms, by purchasing and using her ridiculous 30-Day Shred DVD (and that I am publicly admitting to loving a workout DVD should tell you how great it is).  The 30-Day Shred requires that you make time to exercise for twenty minutes a day, and to give your all for those twenty sweaty, heart-pumping, hard-core minutes.  Even I, a champion gym and exercise-avoider, can deal with a mere 1200 seconds of pain, particularly when it's more effective than an hour on the treadmill (hahahahaha as if I've ever actually run for a full hour).  Even my in-shape friends have admitted that all of the multi-muscle group exercises are no joke.  I don't even do it every day and suddenly I am all kind of toned and shit.

So get thee to Amazon, my flabby friends!  For nine dollars plus shipping and twenty minutes a day, you too can wear clothing normally reserved for those three amazing days after you've gotten over a GI bug.  Only without the residual nausea.  It's a good thing.

Macrobiotics, Bitches!

Yaaaaay.  I'm still on my Crazy Diet, if by "still on" you mean "on when I happen to be eating a healthy meal right at that exact moment."  But actually it's ok.  Last week I had several light-headed moments but I didn't cave!  Yes!  Starvation!  As I told Blondie, I became insanely sensitive to salt, felt uncomfortably close to British Emily from The Devil Wears Prada when she doesn't eat anything but the occasional cube of cheese, and would take a shot of maple syrup when I was feeling um, dizzy.  Surprisingly effective!

I had some detours.  Yaf was in town and we went to Dirt Candy, which was fantastic, and last night Dan got back and we went to dell'anima for his birthday.  It was um, not light.  Worth it though.

And now I'm eating last week's macrobiotic leftovers for lunch!

Crazy Girl Week!

We had a great Thanksgiving (Mom had the brilliant idea to go to the Short Hills Hilton for Thanksgiving brunch, thereby eliminating all cleanup after gorging ourselves on mashed taters and the crab claw table).  Dan's mom came for the In-Law Meeting, which went well, and we all spent most of the holiday cooing over the three Foster Kittens of Cuteness.

Then Dan left for Mexico.  Family vacation at an all-inclusive resort.  So, naturally, while he spends the week feasting on chips and guac, make-your-own-omelet-bar omelets, and pina coladas, I am going to do what any sensible girl does in my position: go on a Crazy Diet!  Yaaaaaaay!

Crazy Diets are not like Healthy Eating Plans, which are, as Emily Gould is correct in saying, boring.  Crazy Diets, on the other hand, are sooooo fun to obsess over and overshare about with everyone you know.   Then said everyone you know tells you how you shouldn't try to subsist on almond milk smoothies because you're perfect just the way you are!  Upon hearing this encouragement, I like to smile serenely, shrug, and take a spoonful of cold raw-vegetable soup.  Hey, we all have to get our kicks somehow.

I've tried many a Crazy Diet - almost all? - and so: this week's Crazy Diet will be a combination Master Cleanse, GOOP Detox, and Blueprint's newest diet-disguised-as-"Oh I'm just being healthy"-diet, "Juice 'Til Dinner."  Oh, plus coffee.  Crazy Diets take misery to the next level by eliminating caffeine.  Maybe that's what makes them Crazy?

Anyway, I have to do it this week because Dan said that if I do a Crazy Diet while he's around, he'll break up with me.  Have fun in Mexico, my love!