Happy New Year + GOOP

Dan and I are sitting here, watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective after a spectacularly useless day. Oh, New Year's Day. I don't really know why we get off work for you, but whatever: thanks.

It was a pretty chill New Year's. We had a great meal at Kefi and then went to a party populated almost entirely by classical musicians. We were going to sing "Auld Lang Syne" at midnight, but there was a brawl over what key to play it in, and we barely escaped with our lives! Just kidding. I'm still waiting for a New Year's that can top the White Party. Dan and I met at the White Party! I can't believe it's been three years.

So the holidays are over. This was a great season, I think. There was no fighting. It snowed the appropriate amount. No one made me go ice skating (just kidding! I love ice skating!) (for the first ten minutes), and I got a handheld electric mixer from Santa. I also realized how fat I've become. I'll blame it on holiday cookies and endless cheese plates at my parents' house, but it's been coming for a year, really. So, starting Monday... I'm going to... oh lord. This is embarrassing.

I don't know if, when Gwyneth Paltrow launched her hilariously named website GOOP, you um... signed up for the newsletters?

Like I did?

Now every week, Gwyneth sends me serene advice from her spiritual guru friends and coaches me to buy YSL belts, as they "never go out of style." Does any belt go out of style? What can I say? I kind of enjoy escaping into her ridiculous newsletter. Gwyneth is telling me how to be just like her!

Okay. Deep down, I know that I cannot be Gwyneth Paltrow. She's taller than I am, and changing your height isn't really something you can self-improve on, even if you follow Oprah's Best Life Now Plan. Plus the whole international fame and millions-of-dollars thing and marriage to the Coldplay guy (ugh, kind of glad I dodged that bullet there, actually) is kind of a barrier. But that doesn't mean I can't do her seven-day detox, right? I can totally do her seven-day detox! DON'T JUDGE ME.

I'll let you know how it goes.