Dan and I share an Amazon Prime account with his sister and her husband, Willis, which means that Willis, the account holder, gets an email every time I place an order. I can only imagine what he thought when I decided that I need to take more detox baths and ordered one container of VivaLabs Organic Coconut Oil, a 13.5 lb bag of baking soda, and 20 pounds of Epsom salts.
Who gives a shit that I have to explain my Amazon orders, detox baths are the BEST. You run the hottest possible bath, pour in two cups of Epsom salt, a cup of baking soda, and a scoop of coconut oil. Sit there for twenty minutes. Chill the F out. Don't bother rinsing off after you climb out. If you've done it right, you'll feel mildly light-headed, supremely relaxed, and greased up like a roast chicken. This winter, oily detox baths kept my skin from getting so dry that it bleeds, which has happened before. Now that it's getting warmer I've tapered off with the baths, but I still have a residual obsession with coconut oil. You can do so much with it!
- Blend a tablespoon of coconut oil, a cup of kale, a cup of almond milk, one date, and a handful of almonds into a gross-sounding but actually pretty good-tasting smoothie. (Recipe courtesy of It's All Good, obviously).
- Swish it around in your mouth for twenty minutes like a weird hippie to whiten teeth. Unless you really like your plumber, spit in the trash, not the drain.
- Rub it into your hair on a lazy Saturday and then go to the gym with a stealthy hair mask.
- Rub it into your elbows incessantly.
- Just smell it. It smells like the beach.
So there you have it, my new favorite all-purpose oil. Anyway, I hope Willis enjoys his next Amazon email, in which he'll learn that I ordered two pounds of chia seeds, sixteen ounces of garbanzo flour, and a SimpleHuman trash can.
