Dear Lady Who Raced My 5.5 Month Pregnant Self To An Open Subway Seat This Morning And Then GOT MAD When You Lost,

You are terrible.

Sincerely,
Me

We Picked Out A Crib

Let the heavens part and angels sing; all shall rejoice: we purchased a crib! I put waaaaaaaay too much research into this, to the point where I was correcting salespeople and even my mother was like, "you need to cool it." So today, as a break in our day of packing, Dan and I walked down to Mini Jake, a baby store in Williamsburg. I didn't think we were going to make a decision - I just wanted him to look at some of my finalists - but sometimes seeing your crazy reflected in the eyes of another is sobering. So we picked one.

Behold, the Oeuf Sparrow!

Clean lines. In stock. No weird swoopy-looking things. 

And now I promise never to write about cribs again.

LAMPS PLUS

Now that we're moving to a grown-up apartment, Dan and I are likely going to purchase some pieces of furniture that cost over $200 (although that $200 sofa we have is awesome, so whatever). One piece I've always loved is The Arc Lamp.

Its real name is the Arco Floor Lamp, and it's a mere $2,995 from Design Within Reach, excluding shipping and tax.

It's the big shiny thing.

Isn't it beautiful?! Did I mention that Dan and I recently came into a large inheritance? Oh wait, we didn't. No Arco for us.

However, at the end of our NorCal vacation last week, we spent a night at my aunt's place (great trip. Separate post). A chrome-colored lamp arced out over the living room. Knowing that there is no way my aunt paid over 3 Gs for a light fixture, I asked about it.

"Lamps Plus!" she said.

Again, the shiny thing.

 Yes! Lamps Plus carries almost the exact same goddamn thing for a fraction of the cost!

I have no idea what else we'll buy for the apartment. I'm taking a breather on cribs. But at the very least, it will be stylishly lit.

Annual Emmy Noms Rant

OUTSTANDING DRAMA

• Breaking Bad
• Downton Abbey
• Game of Thrones
• True Detective
• House of Cards
• Mad Men

The Good Wife should be on this list, and it should win. Ok Breaking Bad should win. Or Game of Thrones, because Breaking Bad didn't really deserve it last year (SORRY). But what other series has hit a creative high like The Good Wife in SEASON FIVE, over a TWENTY-TWO EPISODE season? This past season of TGW was its best yet, and it was one hundred percent, without a doubt, better than Downton Abbey, House of Cards, and - yes, I'll go there - Mad Men and True Detective.

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

• Claire Danes, Homeland
• Lizzy Caplan, Masters of Sex
• Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
• Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
• Kerry Washington, Scandal
• Robin Wright, House of Cards

Tatiana Maslany is once again snubbed for flawlessly playing six+ roles on Orphan Black, but seeing as no Emmy voter has seen the show it's hard to get too worked up.

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

• Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
• Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
• Jon Hamm, Mad Men
• Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
• Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
• Woody Harrelson, True Detective

Why bother nominating anyone other than Bryan Cranston? I guess Matt McC could pull an upset, but I'm not feeling it.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

• Josh Charles, The Good Wife
• Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
• Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
• Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
• Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
• Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Josh Charles SOB CRY WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. Hey, Branson the Butler got nominated for Downton! That's fun.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

• Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
• Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
• Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
• Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
• Lena Headey, Game of Thrones
• Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Maggie Smith is nominated for Downton every year. And I guess, technically, every year she is the best supporting actress on TV. But considering that she never shows up to the ceremony, perhaps we could give someone else a chance? 

Anyway, I think Anna Gunn will get this one again, although my heart belongs to Christine Baranski.

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

• Jane Fonda, The Newsroom
• Allison Janney, Masters of Sex
• Diana Rigg, Game of Thrones
• Kate Mara, House of Cards
• Kate Burton, Scandal
• Margot Martindale, The Americans 

Kate Mara LOL.

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA

• Robert Morse, Mad Men
• Beau Bridges, Masters of Sex
• Paul Giamatti, Downton Abbey
• Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards
• Dylan Baker, The Good Wife
• Joe Morton, Scandal

We're going to nominate Paul Giamatti for wandering around Downton Abbey in a suit and ignore Pedro Pascal's epic battle on Game of Thrones? What? No.

UPDATE: I'm not sure which season of GoT is nominated... Pascal might be eligible next year. Too lazy to look it up, sorry.

Anyway, Dylan Baker is SO CREEPY on The Good Wife and it's GREAT.

OUTSTANDING COMEDY

• Big Bang Theory
• Louie
• Modern Family
• Orange Is the New Black
• Silicon Valley
• Veep 

Whatever, sure. I liked Silicon Valley a lot. Is Louie a comedy, or just a half-hour suicide note? I think The Big Bang Theory might actually win this year.

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

• Lena Dunham, Girls
• Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
• Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
• Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
• Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black

Again, whatever. Sure. Go Amy.

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

• Louis CK, Louie
• Don Cheadle, House of Lies
• Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
• Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
• William H. Macy, Shameless
• Ricky Gervais, Derek

Can you tell I stopped watching sitcoms?

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

• Julie Bowen, Modern Family
• Allison Janney, Mom
• Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is The New Black
• Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live
• Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
• Anna Chlumsky, Veep

KATE MCKINNON?!?!?!?!? HAVE THE EMMYS ACTUALLY DONE SOMETHING RIGHT????? Kate McK is a treasure. I DARE you to be in a bad mood watching this. Just try.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

• Adam Driver, Girls
• Andrew Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
• Ty Burrell, Modern Family
• Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
• Fred Armisen, Portlandia
• Tony Hale, Veep

Like Louie, is Girls ALSO a half-hour suicide note? Adam Driver was pretty compelling this season, actually.

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

• Natasha Lyonne, Orange Is The New Black
• Uzo Aduba, Orange Is The New Black
• Laverne Cox, Orange Is The New Black
• Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
• Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live
• Joan Cusack, Shameless

Clearly the entire cast of Orange is the New Black were submitted as guest actors in order to escape the Modern Family Supporting Actress juggernaut. I approve. Get Crazy Eyes a statue, and let's get ready for conservatives to get up in arms over a trans woman being nominated in the female category. Yeah!

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY

• Nathan Lane, Modern Family
• Steven Buscemi, Portlandia
• Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live
• Louis C.K., Saturday Night Live
• Bob Newhart, The Big Bang Theory
• Gary Cole, Veep

Can you get me those TPS reports?

Cribs: Jesus Christ

As I think everyone who reads this blog already knows, I'm pregnant. Hooray!

While the baby is obviously the biggest life change on the horizon, the news necessitates a few others. We're moving, for one. Brooklyn is baby-friendly, but our top-floor walk-up one-bedroom isn't. My parents have made it clear that they are ready to shower the baby with love and, more importantly, me and Dan with free child care, so we're moving to Jersey City to be closer. We signed a lease on a gorgeous, brand-new place with two bedrooms, floor-to-ceiling windows, and a dishwasher.

Apartment-hunting in the NYC area is a time-consuming drag: you kiss many a dark, poorly laid-out property located way too far from public transportation before meeting your sun-drenched prince. We looked for a little over a month before finding this place.

I expected finding an apartment to be difficult. I did not expect crib-hunting to be worse.

YOU GUYS, WHAT IS UP WITH CRIBS?!? It is a box/cage you put your baby in. There should not be a) this many options and b) this many shitty options. By shitty options, I learned in Crib Research Mode that many (most) cribs are made with medium-density fibreboard, or MDF.

MDF off-gasses low levels of fun fumes for one to five years after manufacture, including formaldehyde, so I've been looking for a crib made of solid wood that costs less than two grand. There aren't that many, but I still feel overwhelmed with options. There's a cheapie wood crib at IKEA, for instance:

But $129 is a little suspiciously cheap. 

There's no suspicion of cheapness with this beauty:

But why is it $800? Is it THAT much nicer than the IKEA crib? Is it morally permissible to spend $800 on a box/cage? I don't know! Maybe!

This one is $400, nice-looking, and solid wood, so maybe it's a good compromise:

Ugh. I don't know. I have a lot more thoughts on this but believe it or not, they're even more detailed and mind-numbing than what I've said above, so I'm going to sign off and try to take a nap at my desk.